Thursday, March 24, 2011

Lisa, give up the pants and wear a kilt...

Dear Lisa B,

....What a frustrating day!!!!!!..... I have been "technologically deprived" and I haven't been able to blog today... What's worse is I have been in bed after getting my impacted wisdom tooth extracted yesterday, perfect opportunity to just fire away at the keys, but my little Compaq laptop computer seen here has been acting up again. What a nightmare!!!  It's like the dog you have had for over15 years who is blind, deaf and crippled but you won't put to sleep... I just can't seem to put the poor thing to rest. I recently purchased an Ipad, (first generation) for a great deal but it is still in the bag.. and that was last Saturday!!!! Like seriously, who does that? ( ISSUES!!!!!) My poor husband has been itching.. which leads me to this...
If you don't already know, Trevor works in technology, and I do everything else. I pretty much run the household, so when something like my computer breaks down, he  is in hog's heaven because in his eyes, there is something that I can't do and I NEED him for. However, there is nothing worse than your computer going ca put when your 24/7 techy is not around. You feel like you are stifling.. Am I right or am I RIGHT..hehehe.. So here's the thing, for about a month now he has been taking my computer to repair whenever it has its continued glitch and when I ask him what he does to repair it, I hear about "ip addresses, voice over ip, pinging, re configurations, reinstalling of hard drives, wireless networking, power supply...... things and things and things which I care less about.... but interestingly enough, his tongue slipped and it so happened that all he has been is removing the battery and the power supply simultaneously, then re plugging the power supply then  re attaching the battery...................... Uhmmmmm................Pause.......... Crickets..................... Ok......
That's it?....... All this time?.......All this suffering? Are you kidding me?
....but wait a minute Lisa...... the reason he never told you how simple it was to repair the computer was because he wanted to know he was needed.. he isn't just here to provide for the family but to also be a BRAWNY GUY..... to finally wear the pants and give me his kilt.. Sighh.. I don't like that though... (pouting).. I don't like giving up my power and control... It sucks, but I have to allow him to be the man...
How do I find that balance? I need to figure that out or should I saw I need you to help me figure that one out... Control, trust, reliance.. They all go hand in hand and they will have to be clumped up together while I try to heal/overcome.....

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Sex?!?!...but Autism is Watching !!!!....

Dear Lisa B,
                  In etiquette 101, it is known that you shouldn't talk about your sex life in public or to strangers when you're married... It is disrespectful to your union and embarrassing to your spouse...but there is a problem... what if there is a topic that has been "hush hush" for a while and needs to be talked about? I guess, what the hell, I will be the martyr then...
Ok..here goes...( deep breath)



There have been conflicting reports about the divorce rate among families with children on the autistic spectrum... For a while it was said to be an astounding 80% but after some new research, according to  Dr. Brian Freedman who is the clinical director of the Center for Autism and Related Disorders at the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore, in an interview with Web MD he is quoted to say.

''There really weren't any significant differences in terms of family structure when you consider children with autism and those without. In fact what we found is that children with autism remained with both biological or adoptive parents 64% of the time, compared with children in families without autism, who remained [with both biological or adoptive parents] 65% of the time. That debunks the myth of an 80% divorce rate,"

Let me just say this. Whether it is 80%, 60% or 20%, the bottom line is autism causes strain on your marriage..period... and similar to infidelity which is not a tangible pain that you could heal from by popping a pill, this shit  stuff takes work..I mean WORK and despite the fact that I can compare it to infidelity, there is still a difference because autism is always there, staring you in the face. You don't cheat 24/7 infront of your spouse...
Autism, the thief who steals your child in the night as I call it, is one if the diagnoses that does more damage to the the mom rather than the dad, in my opinion, because we are the ones who carry this beautiful child for 9 plus months, and because of ALLLLL the conflicting reasoning, speculations, probable causes which have not been concrete, we blame ourselves for a longggg time.... Our dream for our children vanishes and in an instant we have to create other expectations and dreams for our kids in our head that is not typical of the "normal" society. It feels like you are in a cult, a universe that only exists in the autism society, almost extra terrestrial like.. But it goes further, and this is where sex comes into the equation.



 When our child, in my case children become diagnosed, the grief is so unbearable that intercourse goes into hibernation..Maybe the first night or week, you just want to have the most passionate sex with your spouse because you are both in shock after getting the bad news, and need to release that pain together, but when it eventually sinks in, something changes.
      After Brandon, my second son was diagnosed just one year after my first son Dylan was diagnosed, I immediately began to make these associations.
Sex-->Pregnancy-->Beautiful Child--> Autism....

..No where in there does love, passion, desire come in to play anymore.. It becomes a chore, it causes anxiety, fear and phobia... your parts do not work anymore and you don't want to be touched...
                                                            NOW.....
If your spouse is in denial about the diagnosis and does not pitch in to help care for your child, is not supportive and does not acknowledge your pain,  that adds extra strain on your desire to become intimate you feel like you are in this all alone. You want to blame someone, you don't know whether it's genetic so your mind plays games and the resentment forces you  to wonder whether HE may have caused it on his side of the genetics pool. It causes friction, animosity and that takes an added toll on your relationship and marriage. These are some of the contributions that lead to the increased divorce rate in families with autism...



I went through all those phases and stages and thankfully my marriage has been able to withstand the storm.. IT is not perfect of course, but we are still here fighting.. In my next post, I will tell you little things that we have done to make this marriage work, however, I am still working on the sex part.....hehehehe

Monday, March 21, 2011

Who is this girl?...but I like her.

Dear Lisa B,
                  It has been a little over a week since I have had a conversation with you but that doesn't mean that things have been "hunky dory"...Actually, it has been a tidal wave here but I am shocked by how I am handling the chaos. I think writing to you openly has been very cathartic and helpful. It is amazing how much knowledge we have about ourselves that is just buried deep within, and the dependency that we have always had on others and things, which may not have been healthy, now has a chance to be directed to a wholesome place. My new assignment that I have given myself is to figure out whether there is a physical component that is prohibiting me from trusting or allowing help into my life. I know that most of my trust issues originated from my childhood, but I have forgiven and moved on. Now it is time to tweak my home and perhaps finances so there is less worry about welcoming aid with open arms. I want.... actually, I NEED to start creating an environment that creates a safety net for my children but in turn allows me to be calm and centered. My kids' future is what I lose sleep over the most right now. Everything on the rise e.g. gas, food..... OH and also insurance... I took Logan to the emergency room a couple days ago and the co pay went from $50 last year to $125 this year. I have to GIVE myself a minute to clear my mind and see where I could create the most optimal life without the optimal price tag for them and myself.  It has already started this year with getting passes to  Busch Gardens rather than Disney. I am saving over $1000 on admission alone plus gas and accommodation as Busch is 1/2 away unlike Disney which is 1 1/2, but most importantly, the kids ENJOYED and TOLERATED it. How glorious is that. Thank God. I decided that we will take them individually to see how they would react and it was a landslide victory.
                                                                      
                                                                           Day 1
                                                              Mom, Dad, Logan







                                                                           Day 2
                                                          Mom, Dad, Dylan and Logan
                                                      














Day 3
Mom, Dad, Brandon and Logan















By day three I had nothing left.. I so exhausted but very proud of my boys and the decision was worth it. I got to see each child's progression individually and what the areas they need to improve.. Logan was a character and enjoyed every minute..Dylan only ran off once!!! Yippie!!!!...and sat nicely to eat lunch. No More Stroller for him. Brandon had me in tears by the end of the day because of how intensely he absorbed everything. He was afraid of the characters which is why we didn't take any photos with them but more importantly, he walked for a very long time without once running off or letting go of my hand. He did go into the stroller when he became tired. all in all, the have not regressed rather their independence and obeying commands have improved drastically. This was more than a trip to a park but also an evaluation and teaching tool for me. It also showed me how much easier it will be on us if we have an extra pair of hands. So I REALLY have to work on that.
                                                                          

 Lately, I have been sitting back and observing my surroundings rather than just jumping into everything and every one's "surrounding". I speak only when spoken to.... I advise only when it's asked of me..  My presumptuousness has gone down to 50 degrees and is now allowing me to focus and invest in myself and to clean out my dust bunnies. I think for a very long time, I didn't give myself enough credit and had enough confidence that I was doing a decent enough job caring for the boys and their autism, that I had given up on my life and my abilities, and began focusing on every one's life and problems. It's like cleaning a hoarder's house when you are a hoarder. Some may call it hypocritical but I see it as something deeper.... You just sometimes don't think you are worthy. So now that I continue my "tunnel vision" journey, I think with my final to you for the day is that I will now come in to speak to you more often, even when things are seemingly manageable in my life......the therapy shouldn't stop because that is when the relapsing/ going back to my old unhealthy ways may reemerge.....

Thursday, March 10, 2011

You're proud of me!!!!!...Thank you!!

Dear Lisa B,
                   I have had this heavy heart for a little while, not because I am sad but just touched and feel very appreciative. There is a former teacher of mine from high school who has been so supportive to me lately throughout my struggles of raising my boys and all of my tiny accomplishments along the way. Most importantly, she has often said the she is proud of me... Ahhhhhh.... (eyes welled up, hand on my chest).. SHE IS PROUD OF ME!!!!!! The crazy thing is I don't think she knows how much it means to me when I receive accolades from her. I have told her but I am not sure whether she truly understands. You see, I never thought  that I was smart at school. Very often I would get a "barely passing" grade in most of my subjects except Food and Nutrition, Home Economics and Arts and Crafts.....(go figure)..... Funny enough I see why because my passion and what I am good at is anything to do with creativity. It's what makes my heart race and keeps me up at night with excitement. Sciences, Foreign Languages and Math scared me to the core and I always failed.


 I was not skinny, girlie or pretty enough to be chosen for the dances, rather I was animated enough for the skits and plays.. I was very popular at school because I was inquisitive, funny, and empathetic towards others.. not because of my accomplishments in academics or sports. What this teacher doesn't know was that I was always nervous when it was her period to teach me. It was particularly horrified and embarrassed because she knew my mom and if I am not mistaken either she or her cousin who also taught me attended my mom's school and here I am dumb as a bloody post. I was very insecure and would often break out in hives until my scalp bled out of fear.
So now, almost 18 years later, she is one of my biggest fans, supporters, encouragers. She sends me little messages when I am MIA for a while just to check in and make sure everything is ok.... and despite the fact that we a very close in age, the reverence that I feel towards her far surpases what is expected of a young person to close in age mentor. It is layered because of so many reasons that I didn't know or feel back then when I was in school, but I have grown to appreciate now that I am an adult, a mother and now have children who will hopefully have the opportunity to experience with the many teachers who they will meet throughout their schooling.
Thank You Miss T. S-S and God Bless!!!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Clean up

Dear Lisa B,
                  I don't REALLY have a question that requires an answer rather I just need to vacuum my brain a little..
SIGHHHHHHHHHH................. WHATTTTTTTTT............................ This is some life I tell you. How could things be going so great one day and in a matter of hours it changes so drastically. Satanic tantrums for days and two phone call from the school....  First of all, I am watching "Searching For" on OWN which really gives me a sense of how I feel everyday about my life, my blessings, my curses and my thoughts and feelings. There is nothing better than knowing that you have a purpose and that your work brings closure to people's lives whether it be good or bad. Really and truly, the programs on this station make me feel more normal about how quirky and passionate I am about things that people DON'T talk about but I think about. Up next is "In the Bedroom with Dr. Berman"..hmmmm. I wonder what this week's couple will reveal.
Anyhow, here is what I has been on my mind recently. I have always been told that I am not "superwoman" but it is truly not my intention to be.. I simply do not know any other way. I am trying to dig deeper to understand what drives me to go, go, go. I guess I will have to start from the beginning.
I was raised by a single mother. I know my father, but he wasn't really part of my life growing up. It was me and my  mom. She did a fantastic job raising me alone however some things were still missing. I am now married with three beautiful children who adore their dad, and lately I have been particularly enamored by the way my tiniest one leaps, dances and spins when he sees his dad at the door and that is from my lap while we were having what seemed to be the best time giggling and cuddling. I wonder what that feels like? Am I jealous of my children when I look and marvel at their subtle show of affection with their dad? Well besides being sooooo happy that I made the decision to pick their him ( yes giving myself kudos) who they love so much, ideally because he becomes a kid like them most of the time ( not always cute in my adult world) ORRR am I "superwoman" because of the fear that they ever feel an ounce of pain and hurt that I always feel even as an adult from not being wanted or desired by my father. I wonder what it feels like to be tickled by big tall man who seems like the strongest superhero in the world till I fart? I wonder what it feels like to have my mom say no to juice when my dad gives it to me while his eyes are planted on the television? I wonder what it feels like when one parent drops me off to school and I get surprised when the other picks me up or BOTH show up. Gosh that's probably the coolest thing ever!!!!
So I now look at myself as an adult and a mom who is driven all the time, scared all the time, and tormented by my thoughts that drive me and scare me to the point of anxiety and fear of failure. The tricky part is I know all what I want to achieve. I am aware of many of the gifts and talents that God has bestowed on me but I can't do it because of this road block called autism.............BUT....... is that the only road block. Am "I" my biggest road block. Is my desire to create an emotionally perfect life for my kids that I didn't have as a child my biggest hindrance? What makes my situation so difficult is that fact that they can't verbalize what they are feeling. I don't know whether I am doing too much or not enough. As humbling and flattering as it is when people tell me how great a job I am doing as a mom, it really doesn't matter as much as how my KIDS feel.. Sadly, I don't know. I look at their life and wish I had that life and their parents dynamic. However, sometimes the most fortunate or privileged children end up being ungrateful brats. Is that what I am creating? But wait... perhaps Logan will be the one to reveal all in the future (poor kid is now the lab rat)..... How do I balance it all? I guess time will tell...and I do hope that I get a passing grade in my kid's black and white notebook.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I don't need you!!!...or do I?

Dear Lisa B,
                  Foremost, today was a good day. Dylan had a fabulous day at school which is always a plus on how I rate my day, Brandon is skipping and laughing watching Elmo's world, Logan, despite beating the living crap out of me last night for tor-tort ( I am weaning him off) is eating quietly with his cutlery like a big boy.. oh and I think he is ready to be potty trained.. Oh boy.. there goes the carpet again.. but the highlight of my day was hearing that I may see a friend this Summer. I am so giddy that I can't stop smiling. Here is the delima.. I don't know how to embrace wonderful possibilities without being skeptical and pessimistic. I am trying so  hard to heal from my childhood and past abandonment issues where people/family have made promises and never kept them. That little child comes out where I weep and weep. It makes me feel like I am not good enough or not worthy enough. Particularly when the excuse is not good enough. I think it's because I give 100% into everything that I do and perhaps my expectations are too high of others when in my heart they mean so much to me. This is definitely my fault and curse. Recently, I was watching Oprah where Iyanla Vanzant was on and Oprah said something that resonated with me. It was to the effect of I don't want you to want me.. Wish I had the exact quote. It is so true.. In my case this applies to everyone and my wall goes up. WAYYY UPPP with barbed wire. So here is my other question. Is there a difference between needing people and wanting people? Sometimes, I wonder whether my emotions are derived from "needing" people in my life. Is it normal to be sad to that extreme? Is it normal to be lonely even though you are surrounded with love of your children? If the general population lived my life would they feel the way that I feel? The fact that things may never change in my household because of my family dynamics, how can I balance my emotions and be neutral, hope for the best and expect the worse without having a breakdown when the worse occurs. I also believe that you have to be in a place in your life where you've created an environment  that could substitute for the loss, almost like a plan b or c, but does that form over time and do I really want a "substitute"?