Dear Lisa B,
....What a frustrating day!!!!!!..... I have been "technologically deprived" and I haven't been able to blog today... What's worse is I have been in bed after getting my impacted wisdom tooth extracted yesterday, perfect opportunity to just fire away at the keys, but my little Compaq laptop computer seen here has been acting up again. What a nightmare!!! It's like the dog you have had for over15 years who is blind, deaf and crippled but you won't put to sleep... I just can't seem to put the poor thing to rest. I recently purchased an Ipad, (first generation) for a great deal but it is still in the bag.. and that was last Saturday!!!! Like seriously, who does that? ( ISSUES!!!!!) My poor husband has been itching.. which leads me to this...
If you don't already know, Trevor works in technology, and I do everything else. I pretty much run the household, so when something like my computer breaks down, he is in hog's heaven because in his eyes, there is something that I can't do and I NEED him for. However, there is nothing worse than your computer going ca put when your 24/7 techy is not around. You feel like you are stifling.. Am I right or am I RIGHT..hehehe.. So here's the thing, for about a month now he has been taking my computer to repair whenever it has its continued glitch and when I ask him what he does to repair it, I hear about "ip addresses, voice over ip, pinging, re configurations, reinstalling of hard drives, wireless networking, power supply...... things and things and things which I care less about.... but interestingly enough, his tongue slipped and it so happened that all he has been is removing the battery and the power supply simultaneously, then re plugging the power supply then re attaching the battery...................... Uhmmmmm................Pause.......... Crickets..................... Ok......
That's it?....... All this time?.......All this suffering? Are you kidding me?
....but wait a minute Lisa...... the reason he never told you how simple it was to repair the computer was because he wanted to know he was needed.. he isn't just here to provide for the family but to also be a BRAWNY GUY..... to finally wear the pants and give me his kilt.. Sighh.. I don't like that though... (pouting).. I don't like giving up my power and control... It sucks, but I have to allow him to be the man...
How do I find that balance? I need to figure that out or should I saw I need you to help me figure that one out... Control, trust, reliance.. They all go hand in hand and they will have to be clumped up together while I try to heal/overcome.....
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sex?!?!...but Autism is Watching !!!!....
Dear Lisa B,
In etiquette 101, it is known that you shouldn't talk about your sex life in public or to strangers when you're married... It is disrespectful to your union and embarrassing to your spouse...but there is a problem... what if there is a topic that has been "hush hush" for a while and needs to be talked about? I guess, what the hell, I will be the martyr then...
Ok..here goes...( deep breath)
There have been conflicting reports about the divorce rate among families with children on the autistic spectrum... For a while it was said to be an astounding 80% but after some new research, according to Dr. Brian Freedman who is the clinical director of the Center for Autism and Related Disorders at the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore, in an interview with Web MD he is quoted to say.
''There really weren't any significant differences in terms of family structure when you consider children with autism and those without. In fact what we found is that children with autism remained with both biological or adoptive parents 64% of the time, compared with children in families without autism, who remained [with both biological or adoptive parents] 65% of the time. That debunks the myth of an 80% divorce rate,"
Let me just say this. Whether it is 80%, 60% or 20%, the bottom line is autism causes strain on your marriage..period... and similar to infidelity which is not a tangible pain that you could heal from by popping a pill, thisshit stuff takes work..I mean WORK and despite the fact that I can compare it to infidelity, there is still a difference because autism is always there, staring you in the face. You don't cheat 24/7 infront of your spouse...
Autism, the thief who steals your child in the night as I call it, is one if the diagnoses that does more damage to the the mom rather than the dad, in my opinion, because we are the ones who carry this beautiful child for 9 plus months, and because of ALLLLL the conflicting reasoning, speculations, probable causes which have not been concrete, we blame ourselves for a longggg time.... Our dream for our children vanishes and in an instant we have to create other expectations and dreams for our kids in our head that is not typical of the "normal" society. It feels like you are in a cult, a universe that only exists in the autism society, almost extra terrestrial like.. But it goes further, and this is where sex comes into the equation.
When our child, in my case children become diagnosed, the grief is so unbearable that intercourse goes into hibernation..Maybe the first night or week, you just want to have the most passionate sex with your spouse because you are both in shock after getting the bad news, and need to release that pain together, but when it eventually sinks in, something changes.
After Brandon, my second son was diagnosed just one year after my first son Dylan was diagnosed, I immediately began to make these associations.
Sex-->Pregnancy-->Beautiful Child--> Autism....
..No where in there does love, passion, desire come in to play anymore.. It becomes a chore, it causes anxiety, fear and phobia... your parts do not work anymore and you don't want to be touched...
NOW.....
If your spouse is in denial about the diagnosis and does not pitch in to help care for your child, is not supportive and does not acknowledge your pain, that adds extra strain on your desire to become intimate you feel like you are in this all alone. You want to blame someone, you don't know whether it's genetic so your mind plays games and the resentment forces you to wonder whether HE may have caused it on his side of the genetics pool. It causes friction, animosity and that takes an added toll on your relationship and marriage. These are some of the contributions that lead to the increased divorce rate in families with autism...
I went through all those phases and stages and thankfully my marriage has been able to withstand the storm.. IT is not perfect of course, but we are still here fighting.. In my next post, I will tell you little things that we have done to make this marriage work, however, I am still working on the sex part.....hehehehe
In etiquette 101, it is known that you shouldn't talk about your sex life in public or to strangers when you're married... It is disrespectful to your union and embarrassing to your spouse...but there is a problem... what if there is a topic that has been "hush hush" for a while and needs to be talked about? I guess, what the hell, I will be the martyr then...
Ok..here goes...( deep breath)
There have been conflicting reports about the divorce rate among families with children on the autistic spectrum... For a while it was said to be an astounding 80% but after some new research, according to Dr. Brian Freedman who is the clinical director of the Center for Autism and Related Disorders at the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore, in an interview with Web MD he is quoted to say.
''There really weren't any significant differences in terms of family structure when you consider children with autism and those without. In fact what we found is that children with autism remained with both biological or adoptive parents 64% of the time, compared with children in families without autism, who remained [with both biological or adoptive parents] 65% of the time. That debunks the myth of an 80% divorce rate,"
Let me just say this. Whether it is 80%, 60% or 20%, the bottom line is autism causes strain on your marriage..period... and similar to infidelity which is not a tangible pain that you could heal from by popping a pill, this
Autism, the thief who steals your child in the night as I call it, is one if the diagnoses that does more damage to the the mom rather than the dad, in my opinion, because we are the ones who carry this beautiful child for 9 plus months, and because of ALLLLL the conflicting reasoning, speculations, probable causes which have not been concrete, we blame ourselves for a longggg time.... Our dream for our children vanishes and in an instant we have to create other expectations and dreams for our kids in our head that is not typical of the "normal" society. It feels like you are in a cult, a universe that only exists in the autism society, almost extra terrestrial like.. But it goes further, and this is where sex comes into the equation.
When our child, in my case children become diagnosed, the grief is so unbearable that intercourse goes into hibernation..Maybe the first night or week, you just want to have the most passionate sex with your spouse because you are both in shock after getting the bad news, and need to release that pain together, but when it eventually sinks in, something changes.
After Brandon, my second son was diagnosed just one year after my first son Dylan was diagnosed, I immediately began to make these associations.
Sex-->Pregnancy-->Beautiful Child--> Autism....
..No where in there does love, passion, desire come in to play anymore.. It becomes a chore, it causes anxiety, fear and phobia... your parts do not work anymore and you don't want to be touched...
NOW.....
If your spouse is in denial about the diagnosis and does not pitch in to help care for your child, is not supportive and does not acknowledge your pain, that adds extra strain on your desire to become intimate you feel like you are in this all alone. You want to blame someone, you don't know whether it's genetic so your mind plays games and the resentment forces you to wonder whether HE may have caused it on his side of the genetics pool. It causes friction, animosity and that takes an added toll on your relationship and marriage. These are some of the contributions that lead to the increased divorce rate in families with autism...
I went through all those phases and stages and thankfully my marriage has been able to withstand the storm.. IT is not perfect of course, but we are still here fighting.. In my next post, I will tell you little things that we have done to make this marriage work, however, I am still working on the sex part.....hehehehe
Monday, March 21, 2011
Who is this girl?...but I like her.
Dear Lisa B,
It has been a little over a week since I have had a conversation with you but that doesn't mean that things have been "hunky dory"...Actually, it has been a tidal wave here but I am shocked by how I am handling the chaos. I think writing to you openly has been very cathartic and helpful. It is amazing how much knowledge we have about ourselves that is just buried deep within, and the dependency that we have always had on others and things, which may not have been healthy, now has a chance to be directed to a wholesome place. My new assignment that I have given myself is to figure out whether there is a physical component that is prohibiting me from trusting or allowing help into my life. I know that most of my trust issues originated from my childhood, but I have forgiven and moved on. Now it is time to tweak my home and perhaps finances so there is less worry about welcoming aid with open arms. I want.... actually, I NEED to start creating an environment that creates a safety net for my children but in turn allows me to be calm and centered. My kids' future is what I lose sleep over the most right now. Everything on the rise e.g. gas, food..... OH and also insurance... I took Logan to the emergency room a couple days ago and the co pay went from $50 last year to $125 this year. I have to GIVE myself a minute to clear my mind and see where I could create the most optimal life without the optimal price tag for them and myself. It has already started this year with getting passes to Busch Gardens rather than Disney. I am saving over $1000 on admission alone plus gas and accommodation as Busch is 1/2 away unlike Disney which is 1 1/2, but most importantly, the kids ENJOYED and TOLERATED it. How glorious is that. Thank God. I decided that we will take them individually to see how they would react and it was a landslide victory.
Day 1
Mom, Dad, Logan
Day 2
Mom, Dad, Dylan and Logan
Lately, I have been sitting back and observing my surroundings rather than just jumping into everything and every one's "surrounding". I speak only when spoken to.... I advise only when it's asked of me.. My presumptuousness has gone down to 50 degrees and is now allowing me to focus and invest in myself and to clean out my dust bunnies. I think for a very long time, I didn't give myself enough credit and had enough confidence that I was doing a decent enough job caring for the boys and their autism, that I had given up on my life and my abilities, and began focusing on every one's life and problems. It's like cleaning a hoarder's house when you are a hoarder. Some may call it hypocritical but I see it as something deeper.... You just sometimes don't think you are worthy. So now that I continue my "tunnel vision" journey, I think with my final to you for the day is that I will now come in to speak to you more often, even when things are seemingly manageable in my life......the therapy shouldn't stop because that is when the relapsing/ going back to my old unhealthy ways may reemerge.....
It has been a little over a week since I have had a conversation with you but that doesn't mean that things have been "hunky dory"...Actually, it has been a tidal wave here but I am shocked by how I am handling the chaos. I think writing to you openly has been very cathartic and helpful. It is amazing how much knowledge we have about ourselves that is just buried deep within, and the dependency that we have always had on others and things, which may not have been healthy, now has a chance to be directed to a wholesome place. My new assignment that I have given myself is to figure out whether there is a physical component that is prohibiting me from trusting or allowing help into my life. I know that most of my trust issues originated from my childhood, but I have forgiven and moved on. Now it is time to tweak my home and perhaps finances so there is less worry about welcoming aid with open arms. I want.... actually, I NEED to start creating an environment that creates a safety net for my children but in turn allows me to be calm and centered. My kids' future is what I lose sleep over the most right now. Everything on the rise e.g. gas, food..... OH and also insurance... I took Logan to the emergency room a couple days ago and the co pay went from $50 last year to $125 this year. I have to GIVE myself a minute to clear my mind and see where I could create the most optimal life without the optimal price tag for them and myself. It has already started this year with getting passes to Busch Gardens rather than Disney. I am saving over $1000 on admission alone plus gas and accommodation as Busch is 1/2 away unlike Disney which is 1 1/2, but most importantly, the kids ENJOYED and TOLERATED it. How glorious is that. Thank God. I decided that we will take them individually to see how they would react and it was a landslide victory.
Day 1
Mom, Dad, Logan
Day 2
Mom, Dad, Dylan and Logan
Day 3
Mom, Dad, Brandon and Logan
By day three I had nothing left.. I so exhausted but very proud of my boys and the decision was worth it. I got to see each child's progression individually and what the areas they need to improve.. Logan was a character and enjoyed every minute..Dylan only ran off once!!! Yippie!!!!...and sat nicely to eat lunch. No More Stroller for him. Brandon had me in tears by the end of the day because of how intensely he absorbed everything. He was afraid of the characters which is why we didn't take any photos with them but more importantly, he walked for a very long time without once running off or letting go of my hand. He did go into the stroller when he became tired. all in all, the have not regressed rather their independence and obeying commands have improved drastically. This was more than a trip to a park but also an evaluation and teaching tool for me. It also showed me how much easier it will be on us if we have an extra pair of hands. So I REALLY have to work on that.
Lately, I have been sitting back and observing my surroundings rather than just jumping into everything and every one's "surrounding". I speak only when spoken to.... I advise only when it's asked of me.. My presumptuousness has gone down to 50 degrees and is now allowing me to focus and invest in myself and to clean out my dust bunnies. I think for a very long time, I didn't give myself enough credit and had enough confidence that I was doing a decent enough job caring for the boys and their autism, that I had given up on my life and my abilities, and began focusing on every one's life and problems. It's like cleaning a hoarder's house when you are a hoarder. Some may call it hypocritical but I see it as something deeper.... You just sometimes don't think you are worthy. So now that I continue my "tunnel vision" journey, I think with my final to you for the day is that I will now come in to speak to you more often, even when things are seemingly manageable in my life......the therapy shouldn't stop because that is when the relapsing/ going back to my old unhealthy ways may reemerge.....
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