Who is this girl?...but I like her.

Dear Lisa B,
                  It has been a little over a week since I have had a conversation with you but that doesn't mean that things have been "hunky dory"...Actually, it has been a tidal wave here but I am shocked by how I am handling the chaos. I think writing to you openly has been very cathartic and helpful. It is amazing how much knowledge we have about ourselves that is just buried deep within, and the dependency that we have always had on others and things, which may not have been healthy, now has a chance to be directed to a wholesome place. My new assignment that I have given myself is to figure out whether there is a physical component that is prohibiting me from trusting or allowing help into my life. I know that most of my trust issues originated from my childhood, but I have forgiven and moved on. Now it is time to tweak my home and perhaps finances so there is less worry about welcoming aid with open arms. I want.... actually, I NEED to start creating an environment that creates a safety net for my children but in turn allows me to be calm and centered. My kids' future is what I lose sleep over the most right now. Everything on the rise e.g. gas, food..... OH and also insurance... I took Logan to the emergency room a couple days ago and the co pay went from $50 last year to $125 this year. I have to GIVE myself a minute to clear my mind and see where I could create the most optimal life without the optimal price tag for them and myself.  It has already started this year with getting passes to  Busch Gardens rather than Disney. I am saving over $1000 on admission alone plus gas and accommodation as Busch is 1/2 away unlike Disney which is 1 1/2, but most importantly, the kids ENJOYED and TOLERATED it. How glorious is that. Thank God. I decided that we will take them individually to see how they would react and it was a landslide victory.
                                                                      
                                                                           Day 1
                                                              Mom, Dad, Logan

                                                                           Day 2
                                                          Mom, Dad, Dylan and Logan

                                                      

Day 3

Mom, Dad, Brandon and Logan

By day three I had nothing left.. I so exhausted but very proud of my boys and the decision was worth it. I got to see each child's progression individually and what the areas they need to improve.. Logan was a character and enjoyed every minute..Dylan only ran off once!!! Yippie!!!!...and sat nicely to eat lunch. No More Stroller for him. Brandon had me in tears by the end of the day because of how intensely he absorbed everything. He was afraid of the characters which is why we didn't take any photos with them but more importantly, he walked for a very long time without once running off or letting go of my hand. He did go into the stroller when he became tired. all in all, the have not regressed rather their independence and obeying commands have improved drastically. This was more than a trip to a park but also an evaluation and teaching tool for me. It also showed me how much easier it will be on us if we have an extra pair of hands. So I REALLY have to work on that.

                                                                          

 Lately, I have been sitting back and observing my surroundings rather than just jumping into everything and every one's "surrounding". I speak only when spoken to.... I advise only when it's asked of me..  My presumptuousness has gone down to 50 degrees and is now allowing me to focus and invest in myself and to clean out my dust bunnies. I think for a very long time, I didn't give myself enough credit and had enough confidence that I was doing a decent enough job caring for the boys and their autism, that I had given up on my life and my abilities, and began focusing on every one's life and problems. It's like cleaning a hoarder's house when you are a hoarder. Some may call it hypocritical but I see it as something deeper.... You just sometimes don't think you are worthy. So now that I continue my "tunnel vision" journey, I think with my final to you for the day is that I will now come in to speak to you more often, even when things are seemingly manageable in my life......the therapy shouldn't stop because that is when the relapsing/ going back to my old unhealthy ways may reemerge.....

You're proud of me!!!!!...Thank you!!

Dear Lisa B,
                   I have had this heavy heart for a little while, not because I am sad but just touched and feel very appreciative. There is a former teacher of mine from high school who has been so supportive to me lately throughout my struggles of raising my boys and all of my tiny accomplishments along the way. Most importantly, she has often said the she is proud of me... Ahhhhhh.... (eyes welled up, hand on my chest).. SHE IS PROUD OF ME!!!!!! The crazy thing is I don't think she knows how much it means to me when I receive accolades from her. I have told her but I am not sure whether she truly understands. You see, I never thought  that I was smart at school. Very often I would get a "barely passing" grade in most of my subjects except Food and Nutrition, Home Economics and Arts and Crafts.....(go figure)..... Funny enough I see why because my passion and what I am good at is anything to do with creativity. It's what makes my heart race and keeps me up at night with excitement. Sciences, Foreign Languages and Math scared me to the core and I always failed.


 I was not skinny, girlie or pretty enough to be chosen for the dances, rather I was animated enough for the skits and plays.. I was very popular at school because I was inquisitive, funny, and empathetic towards others.. not because of my accomplishments in academics or sports. What this teacher doesn't know was that I was always nervous when it was her period to teach me. It was particularly horrified and embarrassed because she knew my mom and if I am not mistaken either she or her cousin who also taught me attended my mom's school and here I am dumb as a bloody post. I was very insecure and would often break out in hives until my scalp bled out of fear.
So now, almost 18 years later, she is one of my biggest fans, supporters, encouragers. She sends me little messages when I am MIA for a while just to check in and make sure everything is ok.... and despite the fact that we a very close in age, the reverence that I feel towards her far surpases what is expected of a young person to close in age mentor. It is layered because of so many reasons that I didn't know or feel back then when I was in school, but I have grown to appreciate now that I am an adult, a mother and now have children who will hopefully have the opportunity to experience with the many teachers who they will meet throughout their schooling.
Thank You Miss T. S-S and God Bless!!!

Clean up

Dear Lisa B,
                  I don't REALLY have a question that requires an answer rather I just need to vacuum my brain a little..
SIGHHHHHHHHHH................. WHATTTTTTTTT............................ This is some life I tell you. How could things be going so great one day and in a matter of hours it changes so drastically. Satanic tantrums for days and two phone call from the school....  First of all, I am watching "Searching For" on OWN which really gives me a sense of how I feel everyday about my life, my blessings, my curses and my thoughts and feelings. There is nothing better than knowing that you have a purpose and that your work brings closure to people's lives whether it be good or bad. Really and truly, the programs on this station make me feel more normal about how quirky and passionate I am about things that people DON'T talk about but I think about. Up next is "In the Bedroom with Dr. Berman"..hmmmm. I wonder what this week's couple will reveal.
Anyhow, here is what I has been on my mind recently. I have always been told that I am not "superwoman" but it is truly not my intention to be.. I simply do not know any other way. I am trying to dig deeper to understand what drives me to go, go, go. I guess I will have to start from the beginning.
I was raised by a single mother. I know my father, but he wasn't really part of my life growing up. It was me and my  mom. She did a fantastic job raising me alone however some things were still missing. I am now married with three beautiful children who adore their dad, and lately I have been particularly enamored by the way my tiniest one leaps, dances and spins when he sees his dad at the door and that is from my lap while we were having what seemed to be the best time giggling and cuddling. I wonder what that feels like? Am I jealous of my children when I look and marvel at their subtle show of affection with their dad? Well besides being sooooo happy that I made the decision to pick their him ( yes giving myself kudos) who they love so much, ideally because he becomes a kid like them most of the time ( not always cute in my adult world) ORRR am I "superwoman" because of the fear that they ever feel an ounce of pain and hurt that I always feel even as an adult from not being wanted or desired by my father. I wonder what it feels like to be tickled by big tall man who seems like the strongest superhero in the world till I fart? I wonder what it feels like to have my mom say no to juice when my dad gives it to me while his eyes are planted on the television? I wonder what it feels like when one parent drops me off to school and I get surprised when the other picks me up or BOTH show up. Gosh that's probably the coolest thing ever!!!!
So I now look at myself as an adult and a mom who is driven all the time, scared all the time, and tormented by my thoughts that drive me and scare me to the point of anxiety and fear of failure. The tricky part is I know all what I want to achieve. I am aware of many of the gifts and talents that God has bestowed on me but I can't do it because of this road block called autism.............BUT....... is that the only road block. Am "I" my biggest road block. Is my desire to create an emotionally perfect life for my kids that I didn't have as a child my biggest hindrance? What makes my situation so difficult is that fact that they can't verbalize what they are feeling. I don't know whether I am doing too much or not enough. As humbling and flattering as it is when people tell me how great a job I am doing as a mom, it really doesn't matter as much as how my KIDS feel.. Sadly, I don't know. I look at their life and wish I had that life and their parents dynamic. However, sometimes the most fortunate or privileged children end up being ungrateful brats. Is that what I am creating? But wait... perhaps Logan will be the one to reveal all in the future (poor kid is now the lab rat)..... How do I balance it all? I guess time will tell...and I do hope that I get a passing grade in my kid's black and white notebook.