Dear Lisa B,
Foremost, today was a good day. Dylan had a fabulous day at school which is always a plus on how I rate my day, Brandon is skipping and laughing watching Elmo's world, Logan, despite beating the living crap out of me last night for tor-tort ( I am weaning him off) is eating quietly with his cutlery like a big boy.. oh and I think he is ready to be potty trained.. Oh boy.. there goes the carpet again.. but the highlight of my day was hearing that I may see a friend this Summer. I am so giddy that I can't stop smiling. Here is the delima.. I don't know how to embrace wonderful possibilities without being skeptical and pessimistic. I am trying so hard to heal from my childhood and past abandonment issues where people/family have made promises and never kept them. That little child comes out where I weep and weep. It makes me feel like I am not good enough or not worthy enough. Particularly when the excuse is not good enough. I think it's because I give 100% into everything that I do and perhaps my expectations are too high of others when in my heart they mean so much to me. This is definitely my fault and curse. Recently, I was watching Oprah where Iyanla Vanzant was on and Oprah said something that resonated with me. It was to the effect of I don't want you to want me.. Wish I had the exact quote. It is so true.. In my case this applies to everyone and my wall goes up. WAYYY UPPP with barbed wire. So here is my other question. Is there a difference between needing people and wanting people? Sometimes, I wonder whether my emotions are derived from "needing" people in my life. Is it normal to be sad to that extreme? Is it normal to be lonely even though you are surrounded with love of your children? If the general population lived my life would they feel the way that I feel? The fact that things may never change in my household because of my family dynamics, how can I balance my emotions and be neutral, hope for the best and expect the worse without having a breakdown when the worse occurs. I also believe that you have to be in a place in your life where you've created an environment that could substitute for the loss, almost like a plan b or c, but does that form over time and do I really want a "substitute"?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Answer..
Response to
Bring back that Groovy Feeling
Embarrassed
Hi Lisa A,
First of all one question at a time. That is your problem to begin with.. you are too impatient. About your embarrassment and fear. This is so simple. Rather than have fear of the "unknown" why don't you call the HOA and find out what you are able to do with the mattress and where you could place it. Tehre is no way in hell that your children are the only ones who soil their mattresses in the surburb. Also, you placed the thing at an angle that all your neighbors could see it. It's like putting holey panties out on a line to dry. You could have placed the thing flat on the ground directly where the sun shone. At least it would be less conspicuous. Also, for crying out loud go out and buy 2 more mattress liners and for God's sake stop putting them in the dryer. The heat is melting the plastic. Remove all the clothes from the rack in the laundry room and lay the newly washed liner over the rack to air dry.
About bringing back that feeling...sigh... Girl it was Winter, even in Florida. You know darn well that the last thing your husband was thinking about was anything romantic outside in that weather so relax yourself. Secondly, you know that you have to stop hovering over those children as much as you do. You allow them to take too much control over the house and your time and it is because they know they can. Create a routine that includes yourself and your husband where you know that you plan in advance what you all will eat or drink, do the mock set up and when they fall asleep, just start putting things into action. When you chose this home, you were so meticulous about the features that you wanted that you could gain from. So far you have used those features to your benefit maybe once. It's right there. You don't have to travel far of pay to get it. It's right there. The same amount of energy and time you invest in preparing for people to come over and many times you don't even get a chance to enjoy what THEY are enjoying, you need to start putting that energy into yourself. Lastly, don't compare your lifestyle of your past with your lifestyle of the present. It's like apples and oranges. You wanted a convertible Jeep Wranlger too and piercing all over your body but you don't want that now. That ex of yours if you remember said that you were not black, now you have yummy chocolate children. Your carefree and inquisitive attitude allowed you to be wise to so much, and made you make mistakes that you know you will not likely make now and has prepared you for the ridiculously whirlwind of a life that you are living right now. It is time to invest that creative brain of yours into yourself and your husband and the kids will be just fine. You truly underestimate them and yourself.
Bring back that Groovy Feeling
Embarrassed
Hi Lisa A,
First of all one question at a time. That is your problem to begin with.. you are too impatient. About your embarrassment and fear. This is so simple. Rather than have fear of the "unknown" why don't you call the HOA and find out what you are able to do with the mattress and where you could place it. Tehre is no way in hell that your children are the only ones who soil their mattresses in the surburb. Also, you placed the thing at an angle that all your neighbors could see it. It's like putting holey panties out on a line to dry. You could have placed the thing flat on the ground directly where the sun shone. At least it would be less conspicuous. Also, for crying out loud go out and buy 2 more mattress liners and for God's sake stop putting them in the dryer. The heat is melting the plastic. Remove all the clothes from the rack in the laundry room and lay the newly washed liner over the rack to air dry.
About bringing back that feeling...sigh... Girl it was Winter, even in Florida. You know darn well that the last thing your husband was thinking about was anything romantic outside in that weather so relax yourself. Secondly, you know that you have to stop hovering over those children as much as you do. You allow them to take too much control over the house and your time and it is because they know they can. Create a routine that includes yourself and your husband where you know that you plan in advance what you all will eat or drink, do the mock set up and when they fall asleep, just start putting things into action. When you chose this home, you were so meticulous about the features that you wanted that you could gain from. So far you have used those features to your benefit maybe once. It's right there. You don't have to travel far of pay to get it. It's right there. The same amount of energy and time you invest in preparing for people to come over and many times you don't even get a chance to enjoy what THEY are enjoying, you need to start putting that energy into yourself. Lastly, don't compare your lifestyle of your past with your lifestyle of the present. It's like apples and oranges. You wanted a convertible Jeep Wranlger too and piercing all over your body but you don't want that now. That ex of yours if you remember said that you were not black, now you have yummy chocolate children. Your carefree and inquisitive attitude allowed you to be wise to so much, and made you make mistakes that you know you will not likely make now and has prepared you for the ridiculously whirlwind of a life that you are living right now. It is time to invest that creative brain of yours into yourself and your husband and the kids will be just fine. You truly underestimate them and yourself.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Bring back that groovy feeling..
Dear Lisa B,
Do you remember when I dated T#$D, we used to sneak away to Fort Lauderdale beach on a Sunday and listen to the live band play in this little shack while drinking a couple cold brewskys. We would then lay on the sand, gaze into each others eyes and smile. Back then I wore the skimpiest little bikinis. My hair was naturally highlighted by the sun, my skin was sun kissed orange from all the baby oil and tiny shorts I wore and I never wore a bra because my breasts were so tiny. He thought I was so beautiful and was intrigued by everything about me. I was such a flirt..hehehe.. I was confident, I seemed to command presence when I entered a room and I was giddy. Now 12 years later, married (not to him), I wear a "Miracle Suit" swimsuit, I have spider veins on my pale stubbly legs, I can't seem to find a bra with two different size cups, I realized that I was dumb as F"$K back then. Didn't know diddly squat. What is interesting is that you were always there with me but I never wanted to listen to you or even talk to you. I thought I knew it all.. Idiot... Love was sex. Now sex is watching "In the Bedroom" with Dr. Berman with my husband sitting 4 feet away from me with the "Logmeister" stretched horizontally between us on the bed, and us discussing how we may relate to what all those couples are going through. Who would have thought that this sex kitten, unmarried, girl would be able to re-evaluate what love from a man is in a totally opposite way when she got married.. Isn't that something? However, I need you to tell me what is keeping me from sneaking away to my beach (pool), with my cold brewsky (which is so much cheaper at Publix in a 6 pack than at the shack), with my current boyfriend (husband), who thinks I the sexiest kitten out there (poorjab), and I want to play "Chugjug" by Family of The Year.. all the time.. I know I haven't given you a chance to respond to my last request but could you work on that one also?
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