Dear Lisa B,
Foremost, today was a good day. Dylan had a fabulous day at school which is always a plus on how I rate my day, Brandon is skipping and laughing watching Elmo's world, Logan, despite beating the living crap out of me last night for tor-tort ( I am weaning him off) is eating quietly with his cutlery like a big boy.. oh and I think he is ready to be potty trained.. Oh boy.. there goes the carpet again.. but the highlight of my day was hearing that I may see a friend this Summer. I am so giddy that I can't stop smiling. Here is the delima.. I don't know how to embrace wonderful possibilities without being skeptical and pessimistic. I am trying so hard to heal from my childhood and past abandonment issues where people/family have made promises and never kept them. That little child comes out where I weep and weep. It makes me feel like I am not good enough or not worthy enough. Particularly when the excuse is not good enough. I think it's because I give 100% into everything that I do and perhaps my expectations are too high of others when in my heart they mean so much to me. This is definitely my fault and curse. Recently, I was watching Oprah where Iyanla Vanzant was on and Oprah said something that resonated with me. It was to the effect of I don't want you to want me.. Wish I had the exact quote. It is so true.. In my case this applies to everyone and my wall goes up. WAYYY UPPP with barbed wire. So here is my other question. Is there a difference between needing people and wanting people? Sometimes, I wonder whether my emotions are derived from "needing" people in my life. Is it normal to be sad to that extreme? Is it normal to be lonely even though you are surrounded with love of your children? If the general population lived my life would they feel the way that I feel? The fact that things may never change in my household because of my family dynamics, how can I balance my emotions and be neutral, hope for the best and expect the worse without having a breakdown when the worse occurs. I also believe that you have to be in a place in your life where you've created an environment that could substitute for the loss, almost like a plan b or c, but does that form over time and do I really want a "substitute"?
