Clean up

Dear Lisa B,
                  I don't REALLY have a question that requires an answer rather I just need to vacuum my brain a little..
SIGHHHHHHHHHH................. WHATTTTTTTTT............................ This is some life I tell you. How could things be going so great one day and in a matter of hours it changes so drastically. Satanic tantrums for days and two phone call from the school....  First of all, I am watching "Searching For" on OWN which really gives me a sense of how I feel everyday about my life, my blessings, my curses and my thoughts and feelings. There is nothing better than knowing that you have a purpose and that your work brings closure to people's lives whether it be good or bad. Really and truly, the programs on this station make me feel more normal about how quirky and passionate I am about things that people DON'T talk about but I think about. Up next is "In the Bedroom with Dr. Berman"..hmmmm. I wonder what this week's couple will reveal.
Anyhow, here is what I has been on my mind recently. I have always been told that I am not "superwoman" but it is truly not my intention to be.. I simply do not know any other way. I am trying to dig deeper to understand what drives me to go, go, go. I guess I will have to start from the beginning.
I was raised by a single mother. I know my father, but he wasn't really part of my life growing up. It was me and my  mom. She did a fantastic job raising me alone however some things were still missing. I am now married with three beautiful children who adore their dad, and lately I have been particularly enamored by the way my tiniest one leaps, dances and spins when he sees his dad at the door and that is from my lap while we were having what seemed to be the best time giggling and cuddling. I wonder what that feels like? Am I jealous of my children when I look and marvel at their subtle show of affection with their dad? Well besides being sooooo happy that I made the decision to pick their him ( yes giving myself kudos) who they love so much, ideally because he becomes a kid like them most of the time ( not always cute in my adult world) ORRR am I "superwoman" because of the fear that they ever feel an ounce of pain and hurt that I always feel even as an adult from not being wanted or desired by my father. I wonder what it feels like to be tickled by big tall man who seems like the strongest superhero in the world till I fart? I wonder what it feels like to have my mom say no to juice when my dad gives it to me while his eyes are planted on the television? I wonder what it feels like when one parent drops me off to school and I get surprised when the other picks me up or BOTH show up. Gosh that's probably the coolest thing ever!!!!
So I now look at myself as an adult and a mom who is driven all the time, scared all the time, and tormented by my thoughts that drive me and scare me to the point of anxiety and fear of failure. The tricky part is I know all what I want to achieve. I am aware of many of the gifts and talents that God has bestowed on me but I can't do it because of this road block called autism.............BUT....... is that the only road block. Am "I" my biggest road block. Is my desire to create an emotionally perfect life for my kids that I didn't have as a child my biggest hindrance? What makes my situation so difficult is that fact that they can't verbalize what they are feeling. I don't know whether I am doing too much or not enough. As humbling and flattering as it is when people tell me how great a job I am doing as a mom, it really doesn't matter as much as how my KIDS feel.. Sadly, I don't know. I look at their life and wish I had that life and their parents dynamic. However, sometimes the most fortunate or privileged children end up being ungrateful brats. Is that what I am creating? But wait... perhaps Logan will be the one to reveal all in the future (poor kid is now the lab rat)..... How do I balance it all? I guess time will tell...and I do hope that I get a passing grade in my kid's black and white notebook.