It has been a little over a week since I have had a conversation with you but that doesn't mean that things have been "hunky dory"...Actually, it has been a tidal wave here but I am shocked by how I am handling the chaos. I think writing to you openly has been very cathartic and helpful. It is amazing how much knowledge we have about ourselves that is just buried deep within, and the dependency that we have always had on others and things, which may not have been healthy, now has a chance to be directed to a wholesome place. My new assignment that I have given myself is to figure out whether there is a physical component that is prohibiting me from trusting or allowing help into my life. I know that most of my trust issues originated from my childhood, but I have forgiven and moved on. Now it is time to tweak my home and perhaps finances so there is less worry about welcoming aid with open arms. I want.... actually, I NEED to start creating an environment that creates a safety net for my children but in turn allows me to be calm and centered. My kids' future is what I lose sleep over the most right now. Everything on the rise e.g. gas, food..... OH and also insurance... I took Logan to the emergency room a couple days ago and the co pay went from $50 last year to $125 this year. I have to GIVE myself a minute to clear my mind and see where I could create the most optimal life without the optimal price tag for them and myself. It has already started this year with getting passes to Busch Gardens rather than Disney. I am saving over $1000 on admission alone plus gas and accommodation as Busch is 1/2 away unlike Disney which is 1 1/2, but most importantly, the kids ENJOYED and TOLERATED it. How glorious is that. Thank God. I decided that we will take them individually to see how they would react and it was a landslide victory.
Day 1
Mom, Dad, Logan
Day 2
Mom, Dad, Dylan and Logan
Day 3
Mom, Dad, Brandon and Logan
By day three I had nothing left.. I so exhausted but very proud of my boys and the decision was worth it. I got to see each child's progression individually and what the areas they need to improve.. Logan was a character and enjoyed every minute..Dylan only ran off once!!! Yippie!!!!...and sat nicely to eat lunch. No More Stroller for him. Brandon had me in tears by the end of the day because of how intensely he absorbed everything. He was afraid of the characters which is why we didn't take any photos with them but more importantly, he walked for a very long time without once running off or letting go of my hand. He did go into the stroller when he became tired. all in all, the have not regressed rather their independence and obeying commands have improved drastically. This was more than a trip to a park but also an evaluation and teaching tool for me. It also showed me how much easier it will be on us if we have an extra pair of hands. So I REALLY have to work on that.
Lately, I have been sitting back and observing my surroundings rather than just jumping into everything and every one's "surrounding". I speak only when spoken to.... I advise only when it's asked of me.. My presumptuousness has gone down to 50 degrees and is now allowing me to focus and invest in myself and to clean out my dust bunnies. I think for a very long time, I didn't give myself enough credit and had enough confidence that I was doing a decent enough job caring for the boys and their autism, that I had given up on my life and my abilities, and began focusing on every one's life and problems. It's like cleaning a hoarder's house when you are a hoarder. Some may call it hypocritical but I see it as something deeper.... You just sometimes don't think you are worthy. So now that I continue my "tunnel vision" journey, I think with my final to you for the day is that I will now come in to speak to you more often, even when things are seemingly manageable in my life......the therapy shouldn't stop because that is when the relapsing/ going back to my old unhealthy ways may reemerge.....
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